This is my first ever blog, pretty exciting for me. =) It has been a while since I’ve written anything to express what I have inside of me. It is a known fact that life can have it’s ups and downs. One moment you’re having the time of your life and the next, well, you get the picture. Over the last few months, I’ve done alot of thinking about myself and my surroundings. I figured, “Hey man, I think it’s about time to bring a change for the better.” During the summer, I had gone to the States to visit family. During my time over there, I had alot of time to think about myself. Throughout the course of my life, I have been the pride of my family and thankfully, still am.
. But to some people, I was always a target of underestimation. I was insignificant to some.I always was the dark, loner type. Some of my friends even called me ‘emo’. Even though I was in a constant state of denial, all signs pointed to the contrary. I never was the social type. Silence and solitude were the things I would go for. I know alot of people, have alot of friends, but I only maintain ties with a certain few. Why? Because you shouldn’t have high expectations from anybody, no matter how well you know them, inside and out. I decided to improve my overall image for the better. Physical. Mental. Emotional, bottom line, every way possible. I decided to be more confident about myself and to take on any challenge that may stand in my way, no matter how difficult. In the end, a person always manages to pull through because of the strength of his heart and the hope that fuels it, motivating it to continue in the effort. I took the initiative and actually did manage to work on myself, somewhat.. Somehow, I feel better about myself.
In some of my experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite the presence of upfront facts and realities, there will always be some hidden messages. Read between the lines, so to speak. These hidden messages are elusive and can be, at times, contrary to the upfront reality. Some people that may seem to be the best people you know can sometimes turn out to be the worst and most corrupt type out there. On the other hand, people that may be devalued in society usually turn out to be the best gems out there. Which direction is man headed to? The only thing left to do now is hope, the only thing that can enable one to go on.
My initial plan to stay in States this summer was one month, tops. I was to return back home with my sister. Now, nobody knows what’s going to happen in the next second. Due to some unavoidable circumstances, I had to stay back for an uncertain amount of time. Few weeks, maybe. A month, ummm, probably. Two months? Possibly. It was going to be tough for me. Without my sister, my partner in crime, my confidant. In the end it was a good experience, I got to bond with my father. Despite all the ups and downs I had, all the tests of will-power and trials of patience, I pulled through. Hope. All there is to it. As my time was nearing to return home, I was excited to see everyone after such a long time. Friends, family, everyone. It was going to be the advent of a new page in a chapter of my life. I was happy and ecstatic. I was looking forward to talking to my few good friends, especially one special person. It turned out that I had to stay just a month and a half longer than my sister and every issue was solved. I was on my way back home. A Levels was going to start supposedly on the same day I arrived. On my arrival, I was relieved to find out that it was going to start the next day. Then, that day was a public holiday. *sigh* more relief! I contacted my best friend, to my surprise, that friend of mine didn’t seem to care I was back and was least interested in talking. I was lost, confused. Don’t know what was wrong. The first day of A Levels, a memorable one. Haha. Man, what a day. Ups and downs as usual. My friend didn’t acknowledge me. I was sad. Broken inside. I took advice from some of my friends. They just said, forget about it all. Ignore and find people that actually deserve to have a friend like you, not the type that take you for granted and treat you like a doormat. That day, was very depressing. I cried like a baby. I decided, enough is enough. Time to bring in the new version of me, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I had better confidence than ever before and I had thought that the old me was broken, lost, left to wander in the depths of the abyss, never to see the light of day again. The next few weeks were just wonderful. Despite the positive attitude that I now had, I had ambitions which were pointless, stupid and a MAJOR waste of time. My friends and peers were surprised. Some were blown away and some were concerned. They wanted the old me to come back. Within the last couple of days, I realized alot of things. I rationalized the denominators and came to the result that, this new persona of mine isn’t cutting it. It wasn’t agreeing with the lifestyle I once had and enjoyed. After much realization, the old Nivyan was finally coming back. Even though I thought it would never be possible after all the stuff I went through, the circumstances allowed it. Before saying goodbye to the new persona of mine, I did manage to take some positive components and integrate them into my former lifestyle, accepted by all. I’m glad that this phase of mine is over. No more internal disorder.
This summer, I learned alot about life. Gained alot of stuff that will help me later on in life and I also found my former self even though it was thought to be lost forever. I hope that in the future, I have the strength to endure whatever challenge that may come my way. I’ve learned to never lose heart because whatever happens, it happens for the best. Finally, I would like to dedicate this post to all those who helped me find my way out of the black hole of depression I had fallen into and made me realize alot of things. I don’t have to mention any names, you guys know who you are.
“All around me are familiar faces, warn out places, warn out faces. Riding early for the daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere. And the tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression. I’m ahead I want to drown my sorrows, no tomorrow, no tomorrow. And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles, it’s a very, very mad world.” -Mad World, one of my favourite songs.
Me signing out,
~Nivyan Umer Musavvir